


Oxford Commas

by Ramen_and_Manuscripts



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Friendship, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:27:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26898166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ramen_and_Manuscripts/pseuds/Ramen_and_Manuscripts
Summary: A single sentence that changed everything."Would you maybe kiss me?"Regardless of yes or no, there was no turning back...........Reggie is tired of being dead, tired of being sad, and tired of being the afterthought in every situation. He doesn't want to watch all of his friends fall in love and forget about him.More specifically, he doesn't want Luke to fall in love with someone other than him.So when Luke writes a love song for Julie to perform with the band, Reggie runs away. It's all he's ever done. He doubts they'll notice, anyway.......A bunch of pining. Rating is for language.
Relationships: Alex & Julie Molina & Luke Patterson & Reggie, Alex/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms), Luke Patterson/Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms)
Comments: 123
Kudos: 434





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yo! This is my first time writing for the fandom, I hope you like it! If formatting is weird its cause I had to post from mobile.
> 
> Please please leave a comment and a kudos if you enjoyed!

Cats can see ghosts.

It came upon Reggie one day when they were taking a walk around Julie's block and he’d noticed how the neighborhood cats would stop, turn their heads, and stare. Reggie never found it odd, not really, because sometimes it's easy to forget that you're dead.

But then it hit him, like a small revelation.

_That's_ why they would stare off like that, at the foot of your bed, alert and watching something that you can't see. Their eyes clear and unblinking and _seeing._ It’s almost unnerving, the small glimpses of proof that this parallel world still existed before they were thrust into it.

He’s thinking of cats now, with nothing better to think about in his stifling self pity. 

Reggie fiddles with his bass, doing what can only be classified as sulking. He’s tired of being dead. He’s tired of forgetting that he _is_ dead, for a glowing moment or a wonderful night, and then remembering and crashing into a deep hole of sadness that takes forever to climb out of. (He really hasn’t. He just keeps sliding deeper and deeper, fingernails bloody from the exertion of hanging on.)

He’s not _that_ bad off, though. He has his friends, he has the band. He has the gigs they still get to play.

He looks up from his own hands to survey the room.

Alex, fiddling goofily with a pager the skater kid gave him so they can "keep in touch". _They_ have each other, a new exciting friendship that Reggie watches develop like bacteria in a petri dish, examining it under a microscope to find its base components. He doesn't understand how it's so easy for him. He died and ran into a pretty boy on the sidewalk. Purpose found.

Luke, chatting with Julie over the back of the piano and leaning far too close to her, with that _damn_ smile that he'd knowingly dubbed as a 'lady slayer'. Disgusting, really. How he can know the effect of it and still turn it on Reggie when he wants something. He writes songs and hangs out with Julie and he _loves_ her and he's chipping away at any shell Julie had in the first place, so she surely loves him too by now. Easy. The band, the girl, the fame, purpose found.

Julie. Alive. Young. Thriving. Has a whole damn life laid out in front of her, and the brains not to eat hot dogs dipped in antifreeze. And she has _Luke_ , and well-

That doesn't matter.

What does _Reggie_ have for himself? Aside from watching Julie’s dad in a strange way of self torture. Aside from the distant pain in his stomach (from the hot dogs), and the tatters his heart, torn anew each day from anger and loneliness, he has nothing.

But of _course_ he won't say anything. How could he possibly? Everyones so _sickeningly_ happy. And worse, he can't bring himself to want them to be anything _but_ sickeningly happy. They come first because he loves them, he comes second because he can’t bring himself to make them hurt. They can’t want to deal with his shit... How could they? There's always been something fundamentally wrong with him, cracks in his foundation to keep him from ever being steady. His own parents couldn't stand him. No girl ever looked at him first (and Alex is _gay_ so it isn’t really _fair_ ), only the third ask to prom, only the afterthought in weekend plans, the oxford comma if it were a man; only there when deemed necessary. Nice to have but it's fine if he's gone. Not remotely important like the question marks and semicolons.

"Alex get off of that." Luke says suddenly, pushing off of the piano and turning up the volume of his voice at least three notches from the sweet and giggly tone he takes with the living girl.

Alex pockets the small black rectangle, grinning. "Right, boss."

"We're going to take Shout It From The Rooftops from the bridge."

Reggie pulls the tab closer to him with his sneaker, rolling his eyes. This one is--shameless. Luke wrote it for Julie, no question. Reggie's fingers flex as Alex tries out the beat, skimming over the frets in anticipation. He still hasn't bothered to stand.

"Don't get me wrong," Julie reads the notes haphazardly from Luke's surely illegible songsheet-

He jumps in to help- 

" I'm not ashamed, I'd easily wear your name on my sleeve, next to my heart that beats for you,"

Luke grins, nodding encouragingly at Julie, who's getting the flow.

"I wish I could but would you want me to?" 

Luke drops out for the high note, letting her take it on her own. 

Reggie stops playing, cracking his knuckles and looking away from the two of them. He can't.

The rest of the band follows suit, Luke still bouncing with excited energy. 

"And then into 'shout it from the rooftops blah blah blah blah blahhhhh', and then reggie with the bum bum bum- oh dude do you think you could take some harmonies?"

Reggie shrugs, conceding. "Yeah, alright."

"Sick." He jumps back to Julie's song sheet, marking it up some more. "That could leave room for some cool clashing stuff. Guys, this one's gonna be big, I can feel it."

Luke and Julie ghost hi-five, which includes Julie forgetting that Luke isn't solid and effectively pushing her palm through his nose, which is usually funny but today is a bad day and everything is irritating and itchy and he just needs to leave.

He pulls his bass over his shoulder, blindly switching off his amp.

"I'm gonna- yeah." Reggie murmurs to one in particular, pointing over his shoulder and blinking out.

He doesnt think that hard about where he was going so when he shows up at the orpheum he isn't sure what to think. 

"Damnit." He whispers. It isn't enough. There are people all around him who can’t see him, can’t _hear_ him. Reggie raises his voice. "Hey, everyone! I fucking hate myself!"

It feels a bit better to say it outloud. What he really wants to do is yell it at Luke, at Alex, and then fucking shout it from the rooftops that he hates himself so much he wishes he was dead a second time. He can’t tell if he actually means it or not. The good days are pretty good. He isn’t ready to be nothing. 

Regardless of how he actually feels, they'd pity him. They’d try to make him feel better. Ask where this is coming from (because up until today he'd been able to push it to the back of the back burner), ask what exactly they can do to help.

And worse _they’d do it_ , because they're _good people_.

Alone now, sitting on a bench facing the sidewalk, he thinks. Of how it would feel to be here with Luke, alive and happy. Maybe he'd drape his arm on the back of the bench, and Reggie could lean into him. Maybe they'd cross their legs and nudge each other's feet. Maybe Luke would press a kiss to the top of his head. Maybe.

But Luke is straight and so is Reggie so what's the point in wishing? He sighs and closes his eyes, allowing himself to bask in the phantom of the dream he'd created. 

He’s almost asleep when a stray cat jumps up onto the bench next to him, reserving the seat and offering solace in the fact that it knows that Reggie exists.

…………...


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooooo! You guys are literally the best, thanks so so much for all of the love you guys have been sending my way!! I hope you enjoy this chapter! :))))

Luke blinks dumbly at the spot on the carpet where Reggie turned on his heel and disappeared. “Um. Is he okay?”

  
  
Alex shrugs, twirling his drumsticks and biting his lip. He won’t meet Luke’s eyes when he tries to catch his gaze. 

  
  
“He seemed mad.” Julie says, carefully pulling puffs of her hair to rest on her shoulders. “Or sad. Maybe more sad.”

“What do you mean?” Luke asks quietly, trying to recall Reggie’s state of being. He can’t find anything particularly alarming. Quiet. He’s not  _ usually _ quiet, but he is sometimes. “He seemed-”   


  
“Oh, don’t say that he seemed  _ fine _ , Luke, c’mon.” Alex scoffs, spinning on his stool with a pointed sort of aimlessness.

  
“Okay fine, maybe he wasn’t and I didn’t notice. Then why didn’t  _ you _ say anything?”

“It isn’t my  _ place _ , dude-”

  
  
“And it’s mine?!”

  
  
Alex throws his hands up- “Yeah! Usually!”

“You’re the one who’s supposed to understand the emotional stuff! I’ve never been the feelings guy--  _ you’re  _ the  _ feelings guy! _ ”

“And you’re the  _ Reggie  _ guy.”

A shot of unnamed panic spearheads his chest and he takes an agitated step forward. “ _ What’s that supposed to mean?!!” _

  
  
“Woah, woah woah-” Julie stands in between them. Luke hadn’t noticed that he was stalking closer to Alex in his agitation, so it’s quite jarring when she tries to push him back from the drumset and her arm goes through his chest up to her elbow. Despite the lack of any actual physical repelling, Luke still takes multiple steps back. Alex looks unshaken, bored, but Luke can tell he’s unsettled by the defensive cross of his arms over his chest. 

  
  
“Are you done?”   
  


Julie pulls her arm back to her chest, clasping her hands together. Luke shrinks sheepishly. He doesn’t usually raise his voice. Lately, he’s been somewhat distracted by-

a new development

so he’s been more on edge than usual. And Reggie’s the light-hearted goofy friend that really dispels any of that unpleasantness, so a lack of him in any capacity is also something that makes Luke feel kind of off. 

But he shouldn’t have raised his voice. Not around Alex. 

“Yeah-uh-”

  
  
“No problem.” Alex says preemptively, looking down. 

  
  
“Sorry.”

  
“It’s fine.” Alex waves a hand and it’s clearly not, but Luke decides to change the subject to stop further yelling. For both of their sakes.

Luke pulls his hands down his face. “Fine. We’ll give him space, but if he’s not back in a few hours we’ll go after him.”

Alex nods, setting down his drumsticks with unnecessary care. 

  
Julie looks uneasy. Luke doesn’t know why, but he desperately wants her to just stop. “I’ve never seen you guys--fight before.”

  
  
“We aren’t fighting.” Luke amends automatically, because they  _ aren’t _ are they? “I don’t even know what’s wrong with him.”

“No I meant-”

“I’m going to take a walk.” Alex announces, and the other two bandmates turn to look at him. “Yeah. Right now. Don’t come with me.”   


  
“Fighting.” Julie intones the word in a ‘i told you so’ kind of way. 

  
  
Alex is the first one to rebuff her. “No. It’s not- I’m not- I just want to be alone for a bit. You two-I- I don’t know.”

  
  
“Alex-- I’m  _ sorry _ .”

“Yeah, Okay, cool. I’m going to see my- Willie. Friend. Bye.”   


  
He blinks off before he can stutter anymore. Julie shifts her weight awkwardly. Luke sinks into the couch.

There’s a few seconds of stilted silence before-

“What is this all about, then?”   


  
“I don’t-”

  
“There has to be something, you’ve been on edge all week.”

“Have I?”   


“Yes.”

  
  
“I really like your hair, have you done something new with it?”

She shoots him a withering look that makes him laugh and cower at the same time. She cautiously tiptoes to the couch to sink down next to him. Her hand hovers above his knee in a phantom attempt at comfort. Luke shivers. 

Her hands, small and sure, reach to him daily. Her hands, alive and solid, can only pass through him. She forgets sometimes but he never does.   


It’s strange, being dead. First, it was dark and it was the sound of Alex crying and all three of them clinging to each other, lacking all senses. It didn’t feel long but it was. 

Then it was the whirlwind of being  _ here _ in the future and very much dead, but with lungs still full of air. In the dark he felt suspended in water, half drowned and light headed. It wasn’t that he needed air, he didn’t, but the sole fact that his body didn’t even attempt to breathe was making him feel out of place and wrong. You get so used to it, breathing. It’s one of those things you never notice until you call attention to it, but its absence is impossible to ignore. A stifling stillness. Death.    


  
Dead.   


  
But here he doesn’t feel  _ completely _ dead. His chest rises and falls, and he can sing, and play, and exist. But there are some distinctly  _ dead _ things, like the chill in his limbs that he can feel from his fingertips to the marrow in his bones. The lack of feeling when touched(or hugged or held or anything), which includes pain (which would be good but it just reminds him that he’s  _ deadeadead _ ).The feeling of stillness in his veins, as if he can feel the fact that his blood’s run stagnant because of the lack of a beating heart. And to top it all off, a constant stomach ache that reminds him, even when he can forget about all that, that it was his own stupid decisions that caused his and his friend’s incredibly  _ stupid _ deaths.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't really know." Luke says, truthfully, ashamed at how  _ beaten down  _ he sounds. "You're right, I'm not acting normally right now."

"Well," she brings her hand back to her own lap, "Do you have a reason why?"

Luke reaches through his memories in the past week, scrunching up his nose. He can’t think of anything and he pounds the couch with his fist in frustration. 

“Well… I don’t like it when my friends are upset. I may have been unconsciously picked up on Reggie’s-- whatever’s wrong with him.”

“Yeah. Maybe. Any reason  _ he’d  _ be upset?”

  
  
_ You’re the Reggie guy!  _ Alex’s words echo through his head, almost like a taunt. He can’t figure it out. He’s never been  _ smart _ , but he’s always been good at reading people. And if he really is the Reggie guy, this should be easy. 

_...Oh.  _

  
  
Julie squints at him, “You have that dumb ‘I just figured something out’ face on. What’s up?”   
  


“I think I-- messed up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to Kudos and Comment if you enjoyed! I'll definitely reply within a few days :))))


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL Im gonna take the stupid SAT today, I'll fail on the math most likely but I'm pretty confident in the english part (for obvious reasons). 
> 
> Enough about me. Let's talk about you! I am thanking you for the millionth time for reading and liking my writing! It means so much to me, and especially since I've been hardcore studying/college searching, reading your comments make me happy and feel better. Thanks again :))

Reggie wakes up on the park bench with someone sitting in his torso. He rolls off of the bench in disgust, hitting the ground with an audible thump.   
  


"Ugh."

He scrambles up, staring at the now dark sky. How long was he out here? He subconsciously checks his bare wrist. He wasn’t wearing a watch when he died, and there wasn’t anything like that with all of their clothes. He really should have Alex’s friend get one for him on the ghost black market...or something. Is that a thing?   
  
Whatever. Beside the point. He should probably get back to the garage in case someone worries.

_ Yeah, right _ .

_ They probably haven't even noticed you're gone. _

_ They don't want you. _

_ They've never wanted you. _

Reggie pushes the self-depreciating comments his brain is supplying him with down _ away _ down. He’s gotten good at hiding behind his energy and stupid jokes. It was at first, a necessity. If he’d betray how he  _ really _ felt about himself back in grade school then surely even Luke and Alex would have been scared off. It was the beginning of the end for his parents and Reggie couldn’t be convinced that it wasn’t his fault. So, up it goes. The smile, the bounce, the mask.

  
Oh, it did develop into who he is now. It was hardly a facade when he died. He was happy, in a semi-successful band, basically on the run, and spending his life with his best friends. 

And then this happened and he’s been feeling the old him separate from the golden retriever-esqe ‘blissful ignorance’ (emphasis on the ignorance) part of him. Like mitosis, or something.

He rubs his shoulder because it’s supposed to be aching after all of that bench sleeping, even if it isn’t. 

Oh, he really should go back to the garage. But then there would be Luke and- feelings that he doesn’t want to deal with like  _ ever _ . 

He’s furious that he’s feeling this way, really. He’s  _ straight _ , in the way that he certainly isn’t gay. He loves girls. Girls are very pretty and he likes to kiss them(He hadn’t had much of a chance to, but the sentiment stands all the same).

But now he thinks he also likes to kiss Luke.

….

_ “I’m bored.” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Reggie looks up from his book. It’s one of the one’s he’d nicked from Julie’s bookshelf, Harry Potter. It’s pretty good, even if the ghosts are merely supporting characters for the supporting characters. Reggie demands more representation. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “Hmm. Want me to help you pick out a book?" Reggie holds up his for emphasis, and Luke shakes his head. _

_ Reggie shrugs, unable to muster any energy to entertain him beyond that point. “Suit yourself.” _

_ One, two, three more minutes of silence before Luke breaks it again. _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “I’ve never had a girlfriend.” _ _   
_

_   
_ _ “Huh?” _ _   
_

_   
_ _ “I’ve never had a girlfriend, Reggie.” He sounds restless, irritated that he'd had to repeat himself (which is strange because Reggie is slow(to put it nicely) and Luke usually has the patience of a saint). It immediately puts Reggie on edge. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “I know that--” Cautious. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “And now I’m dead.” Bitter. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “Well. So am I.” Resigned. _

_ Luke’s eyes flicker over to Reggie, and for some reason his gaze feels suddenly weighted. Reggie closes his book. _

_   
_ _ “Yes.” Luke assents distantly, “You’re right.” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ If Reggie’s heart wasn’t still, it would be beating fast. He can almost feel it quivering there. Why? He places his hand on his chest in a futile attempt to figure it out. _

_ “Hey.” Luke resets the scene, tapping out a rhythm on his thigh “I’ve never been kissed before.” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “Whaaaaat?!” _

_ "I'm serious." _

_ "What about Charlene from prom? Or that one girl at the book club gig? Surely you kissed Molly, you went on two dates-" _

_ "No, I'm serious." _

_ "Whyyy, dude?! Molly was  _ seriously _ hot!" _

_ "It wasn't- right. It just didn't happen." _

_ "Ha! Never thought I could say that I got more action than you." _

_ Luke grunts unhappily. _

_ "Why are you telling me this, dude?" Reggie opens his book again to avoid another one of Luke's heavy stares, but it's not to any particular page and he's seemed to have forgotten how to read. _

_ "I was- would you maybe kiss me?" _

_ Reggie's world spins on its axis, and he drops his book. His first, instinctual reaction is to jump back and sputter about how he’s not gay or maybe just inform him in case he didn’t know like ‘yo that’s super gay’, but he shoves that long dormant behavior down. That’s something he hasn’t ever done since Alex came out, and expects he will never do again because Alex is awesome  _ and _ capital g Gay so it’s not an insult and he shouldn’t intone it like one.  _

_ His second is to seriously consider it, which isn’t what Reggie was expecting himself to do in the slightest.  _

_ “Oh my god, dude. Seriously?” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ He’s not blind or stupid. Luke is super super pretty and his hair looks soft (and so do his lips) and he’s really good at singing which is something girls seem to like. He’s also super sweet and caring, and passionate about almost everything he sets his mind to. A fantastic person, a stellar friend, and a good potential boyfriend. Why didn’t anyone ever want to date him? Or maybe it's the other way around andLuke didn't want any of them. Maybe he was too good for them. It wouldn't be outlandish in Reggie's eyes, he is pretty perfect. _

_ He smiles his best smile then, leaning forward and dazzling Reggie's thoughts to the mental equivalent of stammering. " _ _ Dead  _ _ serious." _

_ And before Reggie could think of any consequences or even think at all he had already said, "Alright." _

_ "Rad! Okay." Luke shifts but doesn't move any closer.  _

_ Reggie sighs in exasperation, wiping his sweaty palms on his acid washed jeans."You can't kiss me from over there." _

_ "Yeah, right. I know." Luke comes to join him on the couch, sliding Harry potter quite violently to the side. Now, side by side, they both stare at the floor in front of them.  _

_   
_ _   
_ _ Reggie clears his throat after a few literal minutes of sitting like that, unmoving and ankles touching (the scandal(!)). _

_ Luke starts laughing. _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “What?” Reggie gathers himself up defensively, glancing to his right. Luke’s doubled over in what must be nervous laughter and Reggie puts a hand on his shoulder to steady him.  _

_   
_ _ “I dunno why I’m so nervous.” Luke forces out over little giggles, and glances to Reggie-- catching his eyes. Reggie freezes, mesmerized against his will. “It’s just you.” _

_ It’s just you. Three little words that really shouldn’t hurt, but they do. Just Reggie. It’s always  _ just _ Reggie. His face burns for an unexplainable reason. _

_ Luke continues. “I trust you not to make it weird, or like- you know.”  _

_   
_ _   
_ _ No. Reggie finds that he doesn’t know. His grip on Luke’s shoulder gets too tight so he lets go.  _

_ “Cause it’d be weird with Alex. If I asked him.” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “Yeah. Gotcha.” Reggie mumbles, the already strange idea of kissing his best friend becoming more repellent the more said friend talks.  _

_ “I know you’d never get feelings for me so-” _

_ And for a strange reason, his words lodge in Reggie's chest, making him feel angry and small. With a huff, Reggie grabs both of Luke’s wrists, turning him so his back is supported by the arm of the couch, and then Reggie braces himself on either side of him, held up above him only by two shaking arms. “Shut up.”  _

_ He leans down and softly presses his lips to Luke's and lets them linger there. Only for a second, only touching, and then he pushes himself back up and onto his heels. Luke blinks up at him. _

_ Reggie can't stop the smile or the teasing lilt of his eyebrow anymore than he can stop the intruding voice in his head whispering 'again. do it again.' _

_ "That was-" Luke exhales, looking away to hide his red-tinged cheeks. "god." _

_ "That was barely anything." Reggie scoffs, fidgeting with his flannel "but you get the gist." _

_ "Hmm." Luke sits up again, thoughtful. Reggie scoots away from him, already wallowing in pre-emptive regret.  _

_ "That was nice, Reg." _

_ "Good." He says, reflects, and immediately tries to amend. "That's sorta the point."  _

_ They sit there again in a new more unsettled silence. Reggie has to stop himself from touching his lips because that should be weird. _

_ Eventually Luke nods to himself, finding a peace that Reggie can't grasp. _

_ "See you later." He says. Reggie must have gone blind because he looks at Luke and doesn't see him at all. "Thanks buddy!" _

  
  


_ Reggie shouldn't be disappointed, that it meant nothing to him, that it was basically a 'well, now I know'. But it  _ does  _ bother him. Why does it bother him? Why did he want to kiss him longer?  _

_ Fuck. _

….

Reggie shakes his head to clear it of the past. He isn't going back to the garage. He can't look in Luke's eyes right now, he might jump him. Or punch him for kissing him and then calling him _ buddy _ . And either of those things are out of the ordinary and bad.

He needs more time, just enough to shed this unwanted melancholy like a second skin . 

It's alright, he's pretty good at hiding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and kudos to make me smile! Also feel free to recommend your own writing below! I like to support people who support me :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey! The reception on this story is literally SO stellar and I love every one of you. Thank you. 
> 
> Life has been crazy lately so that's why it took me so long to get this chapter out but I hope you still enjoy :)))
> 
> Enjoy my lovelies!!

Luke lifts his head out of his hands, locking eyes with Julie in a panic. "I'm so stupid. Oh my God."

"What?"

He continues, not bothering to stop his stream of consciousness to answer her question. "I must have made him uncomfortable… I thought it would be fine but-"

" _ What? _ " She thrusts herself into his line of sight, expectant and somewhat perplexed. 

"A week or so ago I-- asked him to kiss me."

"What?!"

"And he- well he did." Luke smiles at the memory. Reggie pushing him against the couch--hovering above him like some sort of fairy-tale prince before leaning down and brushing his lips against Lukes. He was so gentle, but so sure. Luke wanted to ask him to do it again, but of course he couldn’t do that. It, regardless, was a memory of a feeling that Luke knew he’d hold close to his heart for a long time. 

"Lucas! What the hell?" She hits him in the arm. It passes through and hits the couch with a thwack. Luke winces, the smile sliding off of his face. 

"He's  _ straight _ , Julie. I just wanted-"

"I can't believe you."

"I just wanted my first kiss, alright?! I knew he'd be ok with it-"

"Luke-" she hisses, pseudo-slapping him again, "he  _ likes _ you."

"What? No!"

"He  _ absolutely _ does. He looks at you like you invented pizza or something."

Luke blinks, the information absolutely new to him. "...that doesn't mean-"

"Omi _ god _ you were probably all, 'thanks broseph, you're a real pal, you know that? Well, we don't ever need to talk about this ever again because it meant absolutely nothing!' "She says this in a bad imitation of Luke's slightly affected tenor that makes him wrinkle his nose. 

"I have never said broseph in my life." 

"Not. The. Point."  _ Thump, thump, thump. _

Luke stands up to escape her wrath, pulling his fingers through his hair and then down his face roughly. "He doesn't like me, Julie. He just doesn't. He couldn't."

"Luke." She groans. "Who did you write the song for?"

"Hm? Which song?"

"Stupid. The one we were singing when he left. Shout it from the rooftops.”

Luke’s metaphorical heart clenches. "Not every song is about someone, you know."

"That one is. ‘You’re my secret someone but you’d never guess? I sing to you the words that are caged inside my head?’”

Luke paces, seemingly trapped in a corner. Julie. He likes Julie. But she's alive and he's dead. She's going to get older and he’ll stay the same. 

She also isn't Reggie. Reggie has always been there, a small aching crush that he had admitted to himself he could never pursue. Reggie's infuriatingly straight, and the kiss was a stupid indulgement for that small part of him, the part of him who’d counted how many casual touches he can initiate before it gets too strange.The same secret solitary part of Luke that desperately cherishes sharing a mic with Reggie because he can unabashedly stare right into his eyes while he sings. Just little  _ harmless _ things Luke does to keep that part of him satisfied. 

So fine, he wrote the song for him. Fine, he's probably a shitty friend for harboring feelings for so long and not telling the object of his affections. But can you blame him? Reggie’s been girl crazy since the third grade. Saying anything would be just--heartbreaking and awkward. It’s just easier to like girls...Especially since his thing with Alex that lasted like two days. They didn’t bother telling either Reggie or Bobby out of embarrassment. Even though Alex and him are chill now, it took a while(multiple months) to figure out how to act around each other again, and he doesn’t want to go through that social stasis with Reggie  _ ever.  _

“Oh my god, Luke.” Julie sighs after a few seconds of silence, “You  _ did _ write it for him.”

“You-”

  
  
“He must have thought you wrote it for  _ me _ . That’s why he was so upset.” She says the first part  _ so casually _ and Luke didn’t know he was being so obvious in his affections towards her so it throws him for a loop. 

“Hold on-”

“I could  _ tell  _ he was off but it wasn’t until we started singing the song! He must be  _ jealous _ , Luke!”

  
  


“Julie, stop.” Luke’s brain is fuzzy and confused, unwilling to concede to a reality where he’d confessed to Reggie, unless it went well. In that case then-   


  
“You need to go after him!” Julie’s a few mental steps ahead of him, standing up in excitement, her frustration with him melted away in anticipation of a confession of undying (or maybe just dying) love. 

  
  
“No, I don’t want-” 

She snaps her finger, effectively interrupting him. “You should bring your guitar and sing it to him, wouldn’t that be so cute?”

  
  
“What if you’re wrong?” Luke asks, voice clipped and sharp. “Huh? What if he’s just having a bad day?”

“ _ You’re  _ having a bad day.” She snaps back, wounded. “You’re having a bad  _ week _ . And so is he. It’s your fault so you need to  _ fix _ it. Otherwise we aren’t going to get anything done.”

Luke pauses, stops himself from slinging any more verbal daggers. She’s only trying to help. Alex was only trying to help. None of this is an attack. Breathe. 

“Okay. Okay. I’ll find him.”

  
  
She bats her eyelashes, “And tell him how you feel?”

  
  
He stops halfway through shaking his head. “Maybe.”

He’d tried once before. It’s one of the things he’s tried to forget. 

…

_ Twins have that weird mental link sometimes, right? The one where they can kind of know what the other is feeling at a given time? Luke sometimes wonders if he’s like that with his friends. Certain nights he can’t sleep, and he gets a call from one of them telling him that _ they _ can’t sleep. Sometimes he’s really agitated(which isn’t really normal), and he later realizes that so is one of his friends. Maybe those are long shots, but even if everything’s a coincidence, it’s fun to pretend that he has a psychic bond with the people he’s close to. _

_ Anyway, he can’t sleep tonight. He can almost acutely feel the blood pulsing through his arteries, and he can hear his heartbeat in his ears. It’s around the eerie time of night, one or two, and no matter what position he tries to assume, he feels itchy and wrong. He’d already resigned to a sleepless night, staring at the almost full moon, when he’d heard a tap on his window.  _

_ Luke sits up, still fully alert, to listen closer.  _

_ The tap comes again, a projectile being launched, not a finger or a tree branch. For a third time, a pebble hits and falls.  _

_ He creeps to the window, looking out and down. Reggie, beautiful and fae-like under the moonlight, is equipped with a handful of pebbles from Luke’s mom’s painstaking landscaping attempts. When he sees Luke’s silhouette, the tall and rigid stance he had been sporting softens a little. Luke pries open the window.  _

_ “What?!” He hisses loudly, and because that’s a bit harsh, he immediately tacks on- “Are you okay?” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ Reggie shakes his head and damnit it looks like he’s crying. He hugs his bare arms in the fall wind. He didn’t change out of pyjamas before fleeing his house. It seems he didn’t even put any shoes on, much less a jacket. A pang of sympathy passes through Luke’s entire being and he shoots him a thumbs up. _

_  
__  
__“Hold on, I”ll let you in, stay there.”_ _  
  
_

_ He opens his door just a crack, so the hinges don’t reach their squeaking point, slipping out past his parent’s closed bedroom door and down the carpeted steps. Carefully, he opens the side door that leads to the garage, which leads to the door that leads to the driveway. Reggie’s already there, shivering and discontent, when he opens the door. He slips in without a word. _

_ The first thing he notices is Reggie’s hair. It’s shaved off, roughly and badly, there are chunks left towards the back of his head, and the base of his hairline is red and irritated as if- _

_ As if someone grabbed him there and assaulted him with an electric razor. He doesn’t know what to say as Reggie follows the predestined path through Luke’s house and safely to his room.  _

_ He sinks into Luke’s beanbag when they get there. Luke closes the door behind him, looking down at his friend in what he assumes is absolutely visible worry. Reggie crosses his arms over his chest and blinks rapidly at the ground, turning his face away from Luke in an attempt to hide his incoming tears.  _

_ Luke kneels in front of him, biting his lip.  _

_   
_ _ “You can ask.” Reggie says sharply. Defensively. “Just ask.” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ Luke doesn’t care, he needs to know. “What? What happened? Are you alright?” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “Fuck. No, I’m not I-” He stifles a sob, bringing his knees up to his chest. “I- I needed to get out.” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ Luke’s eyes flick up to Reggie’s hair and back to his eyes.  _

_ Reggie sighs and stops resisting, the looming tears forcibly replaced with a deadly calm.. “Dad came home around midnight, drunk. He and mom were screaming at each other for an hour or so and I couldn’t even  _ try _ to sleep. I was sick of it and I came downstairs to kind of remind them that they had a child, you know. Then Dad started yelling at me, calling me a- fairy and a pansy and that I needed to stop playing music, but mostly stop doing theater because I don’t know. At least you can pick up chicks with a rock band, I think he said.. I don’t know. I said I wouldn’t stop and he grabbed me and dragged me to the bathroom and-” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ He shudders. Luke just wants to draw the boy into his arms forever and ever and never let him go. He stays silent to prompt him to continue.  _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “You know I was growing my hair out. He said it made me look-” He takes a breath, shaking his head, “and that I ought to go to the military like he did because it made him a real man, and Mom was yelling, absolutely screaming her head off but Dad locked the door behind us and he tried to give me a military buzz cut.” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ He laughs brokenly, gesturing at his own head “I say tried, but he succeeded, didn’t he?” _ _   
  
_

_ “It isn’t that bad.” Luke says haltingly. “In the morning we can do the rest of it so it’s even.” _

_ “Thanks, dude.” He says, exhausted. “I don’t even know how I got away, I just grabbed my bike and bolted before they could say anything or stop me. I just-” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “It’s alright, you don’t have to say anymore.” Luke says softly, “I’m sorry that happened to you.” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “I’m fine, they didn’t hit me.” He waves a hand, something distant and terrifying in Reggie’s eyes. Luke reaches out, putting a hand on his friend’s knee to try and drag him back to reality, here, safe, with him. Reggie meets his eyes for the first time that night. _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “That doesn’t- he still hurt you.” _

_ “I’m here, now, I don’t want to think about it anymore.” He pats Luke’s hand before nudging it off of him. Luke clenches his fist as he draws it back. “Can we go to bed?” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “Yeah, of course.” Luke says, sitting back on his heels. “I can sleep on the beanbag if you-” _ _   
_

_   
_ _ “No,” Reggie smiles slightly, “We can share your bed for now. You don’t mind?” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “No. As long as you-as long as you don’t I- you can always-”  _

_   
_ _   
_ _ Reggie laughs quietly, tapping Luke’s cheek with his pinky before starting to get up. “Don’t get all flustered, Lucas, It’s just me.” _

_ It is. Reggie has always been there. Just a few weeks ago they’d done this at a sleepover and no one’s ever said anything about it. It isn’t weird, not really, after they’ve been friends for so long. That doesn’t stop Luke’s heart from doing a complicated aerial routine when Reggie slips under the quilt on the side of the bed he always seems to claim. Luke calms down his fluttering heart before following. He doesn’t need to thrust this shit onto him. It would make it awkward.  _

_ And Luke knows that Reggie would never come to his house at midnight ever again, much less offer to sleep in his bed.  _

_ He likes to be important to him. He needs to be important to him. If this is what that looks like then that’s okay. _

_ For a while, neither of them speak. Luke knows Reggie’s still awake because his breaths are uneven and shallow, as if even now he’s trying to fend off tears. Luke wants to reach out and touch him, make him feel better. He won’t, though. He just pretends that he doesn’t hear, his own breaths deep and consistent. _

_ Seconds pass, minutes pass, until it’s almost been a half an hour of silence when Reggie suddenly turns to face Luke, eyes wide. It startles him, makes his pulse erratic.  _

_   
_ _ “Are you awake?" _

_ “Yes. Jesus.” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “Sorry, I just-” He has that crease between his eyebrows that Luke wants to trace with his pointer finger. “I can’t stop thinking about what he said to me. We’re best friends, right?” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “Of course we are. I-” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “So I can tell you anything and you won’t- make fun of me, will you?” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “No, I’d never do that. Reggie, I-” Love you I want to be with you forever, don’t leave me behind. _

_ “You’re the best person in my life.” He says, reverently, and then he turns his eyes away as if embarrassed. “You’re my real family. I just- I just wanted to say that. I guess. It means- so much that you care about me. I think you care about me more than anyone ever has.” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “Well, I’m glad to hear that-” Luke says, taking a shuddering breath and scooting closer. Spurred by his words, Luke decides against his earlier judgement to at least throw the L word out there.  _

_   
_ _   
_ _ He starts saying- “Reg, I think I-” _

_ At the same time Reggie blurts- “I don’t really look like a fairy do I? Like- oh, what were you saying?” _

_ “Nothing.” He says, shortly, discouraged and mad at himself. Of course he shouldn’t say that, Reggie’s literally caught up on words attacking his masculinity in the first place. “And no.” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ He punches Reggie in the shoulder a bit too hard as punctuation. “The testosterone is with you.” _ _   
_

_   
_ _ Reggie giggles, which is welcome and normal compared to this serious and shaky person before him. “You’re like, capital L lame.” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “You love me.” Luke mutters, trying to sound casual. _

_   
_ _   
_ _ “I do.” Reggie murmurs, already turning away again. “Goodnight.” _

_   
_ _   
_ _ Luke slept well that night. _

_ ………….. _ _   
  
_

Luke breathes out fondly. He might not confess to Reggie or anything, but he misses his friend. He should go after him no matter what. He feels stupid for thinking otherwise. _   
  
_

“Come on, go. Please. We need our band back.” Julie whines. 

  
“We’ll be back soon.” Luke says confidently.

  
He wills himself to disappear, spurred on by the look of hope on Julie’s face. 

  
  
It will be okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know i said life is crazy, but I also couldn't find the right words. Sometimes you have to wait for the right words to come, and that sometimes takes a while.
> 
> comment and kudos to make me cry in a happy way


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha um hi again it's been a week or two sorry, college, ya know. 
> 
> love ya'll i can't believe we're up to over 300 kudos, you guys are fantastic!!! I really hope you like this chapter, there will only be one more after this!
> 
> So like if you have any prompts or anything you'd like to see me write feel free to drop them in the comments. No promises but sometimes I need a little push/ an idea so i'd be open to seeing anything you come up with. 
> 
> ok also i think I wrote reggie too smart and it's too late to turn back now whoops

_   
_ Reggie is not okay.

  
He’s walking down streets he used to know as intimately as his reflection, but they’ve changed. Usually when things change you change along with them. He’d be in his thirties now, if he was alive. He’d have new angles and new lines on his face, a wiseness in his eyes that comes with years, maybe a new hairstyle.

But he doesn’t have any of those things, and the damn streets have grown up without him. He’d wandered to Luke’s house once or twice since they’ve died, and it’s nice there because nothing has really changed. Luke’s parents are still Luke’s parents and they’re still living in their house that once had Luke in it. The neighborhood is mostly unchanged. It’s like a haven of the past.

But then he goes to where he used to live, and nothing’s the same. It’s all gone, decimated, flattened, replaced. Bike shacks and juice shacks and other shacks and happy alive people sitting in a green little beachfront park. 

He remembers when he’d first seen that his house was gone and Alex and Luke distracted him immediately to prevent any spiraling that might have occurred… because they both know, even if he’d never told them. They both know how he works and moves and thinks. 

He has really good friends. 

_ You have really good friends.  _

Reggie mentally repeats this like a mantra, pacing.    
  
He has really good friends and he shouldn’t ruin it just because he’d caught feelings for one of them. He has really good friends and that should be enough. 

But Reggie is still not okay. 

It’s infinitely frustrating. He’d learned this in therapy. Access the problem, Address the problem, Accept the problem (assuming you can’t solve it, like his parent’s divorce). He’s accessed it, and addressed it so why the hell can’t he accept it and move on?

  
  
Luke won’t ever love him like that, no one will, now that he’s dead, and he just has to live with it. Die with it. Afterlive with it.

“Oh fuck this.” Reggie exclaims suddenly, throwing his hands into the air and falling backward onto the ground in a way that would have maybe fractured some bone if he were alive, but in death he sort of floats. He loves that he can give into his dramatic self-destructive tendencies without actually hurting himself, now. 

“Fuck what?” Reggie thinks he hallucinated it, at first, because surely Luke wouldn’t have found him after how careful he’d been to not spend more than 10 minutes at each location he found himself blinking to. He just grunts.

“Uh-- Reg?”

  
  
Reggie sits up, and he’s there. Genuinely there, standing with his legs pressed together and his hands gripping each elbow. Nervous. 

  
  
Reggie adopts a smile, leaning back onto his hands. It’s easy. If only it was easy earlier, then none of this would be happening. “Hey, whats up?”

  
Luke seems jarred by the 180. “Uhm, not much dude- just mostly...worrying about you.”

  
  
“Oh, yeah, no, I’m fine.” He gestures vaguely, “Extremely fine. Just-”

  
  
“Yelling obscenities for fun?”   


  
“Well, I can’t swear around Julie.”   


  
“She’s only a year younger than we’re supposed to be.”

  
  
“It feels wrong.” Reggie wrinkles his nose, “Somehow, you know?”

  
  
“I mean--” Luke looks about to argue on Julie’s behalf, but then he turns his eyes back to Reggie’s face, picking him apart, dissecting. Reggie nearly squirms under the intensity of it, not really liking the fact that he’s on the ground with Luke towering over him( for some reason the image of Luke stepping on him like he’s a bug or something overwhelms his brain until he has to close his eyes to clear it). After a few seconds that feel like eons, Luke clears his throat, cheeks reddening. 

“...Are you okay?”

  
  
“Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t I be?”   
  


“Um...you literally ran off in the middle of band rehearsal, dude. That’s a huge red flag.”

  
  
“I-” Reggie pulls his knees into his chest, “Well. I needed some air?”

  
  
“We don’t need to  _ breathe- _ ”

  
  
“Well I meant  _ rhetorical air _ obviously.”   
  


“....metaphorical?”

  
  
“Oh, shut up. I was just--”   


  
Itchy, Reggie wants to say, hot, uncomfortable, in love. 

“Tired.” He says instead. “I just needed some me time.”

  
  
Luke doesn’t buy it, nodding slowly with a glint of something in his eye- “Riiight.”

  
  
“Hm.” Reggie hums. He doesn’t exactly like the way that Luke is looking at him because he doesn’t know what it means. Usually, Luke’s an open book. He’s known him for so long and so well that he can tell when he’s angry, stressed, or sad. And even if they weren’t close, Luke doesn’t exactly  _ suppress his feelings _ . He’s never been afraid to cry or get upset or angry. Now he’s...hiding something in the rubbing of his elbows and the shifting of his weight and in the shininess in his eyes. 

This is awkward. Reggie doesn’t like that. They don’t  _ do  _ awkward. Even when they’d kissed each other they still had that- (at least one-sided) comfortable silence between them...but this is just heavy and hot like a humid day in Florida. Reggie slowly gets to his feet, and Luke watches him. The alarm in his chest is inflating slowly, like a balloon. 

“Did you need something?” Reggie asks after a few seconds of a western stand-off. Reggie’s just about ready for Luke to draw a gun out of nowhere and shoot him in the chest. 

Luke blinks.

“I-yeah. I mean, I think I need to clarify something. Like- I’ve not been totally honest with you? I mean I haven’t been  _ lying _ or anything I’ve just been withholding the truth a tiny bit-”

  
  
Reggie’s alarm balloon grows to twice its size, stretching the material to it’s thinnest. What the hell is going on? This is all so weird and bad and why can’t it just be a few weeks ago again? 

“So um basically I- well- you remember you kissed me?”

  
  
“You told me to!” Reggie squeaks, an accusing finger pointed at the lead guitarist, who raises his hands in surrender (and seemingly shock). Reggie lowers his voice. “You- told me to.”   


  
Luke takes a step forward, finally recognizing how tense Reggie is. “Dude, it’s not a bad thing-- well I mean I guess that depends on how you take it.”

  
  
Reggie takes a few steps back, away, away- “Stop being cryptic I’m going to hyperventilate-”   


  
“I’m not trying to be cryptic. Reggie, breathe-” He grabs his shoulder in what’s supposed to be a grounding, comforting gesture but it pops the balloon and Reggie positively rips himself away, smacking Luke’s shoulder with a palm of his hand to push him away further. 

“I’m FINE, Luke! If you’re gonna fucking tell me you hate me and we can’t be friends anymore just  _ tell me _ so I can fuck off and process it on my own!”

  
  
“No! No!” Luke looks positively heart-broken, like a kicked puppy, and Reggie can feel the pang of guilt pierce through the layers of panic. “I just- I-”

  
  
Luke flounders, opening and closing his mouth like a fish, and Reggie watches through blurred vision. He clearly doesn’t know what to do now that he’d triggered a panic attack. Whatever he’d planned on saying was ruined. Reggie tries to calm his breathing as Luke hovers 3 feet away, hand still outstretched as if caressing Reggie’s face in spirit. Reggie falls back to his knees and Luke emits a sound of alarm, following him down. 

  
  
“I wanted to do it again.” Reggie says quietly, an emission he hadn’t even uttered to himself after the fact because he  _ isn’t fucking gay _ , but it’s true regardless and Luke deserves to know.    


“What?”

  
  
“I wanted to kiss you again, Luke. I wanted to. I  _ want _ to.” He can’t look up. He can’t see the disgust pulling his eyebrows down into dulled eyes, he can't see the downward curl of his lips as he calls Reggie  _ disgusting fairy gross bad _ , and says that he’ll never forgive him for taking advantage of him and if he’d known that Reggie wasn’t straight that he wouldn’t have ever wanted to kiss him in the first place. He feels like he’s alive again, under the scrutiny of his father because god forbid he’s

_ queer-disgusting-wrong-unnatural-Reginold-you’ll-never-have-any-friends-ever-again-I-know- you-aren’t-lying-to-me-are-you-Reginold-you-aren’t-a-fucking-queer-are-you- _

“Reggie, reggie- look at me-”

  
  
Two warm hands enclose Reggie’s own, and the assault on his brain slows to a stop. Reggie slowly looks up, and is shocked to see that Luke  _ isn’t _ looking at him in disgust. He looks worried, sure, but fond and warm and soft. He isn’t prepared for the hand that caresses Reggie’s face, and he sure as hell isn’t prepared for the words he says next. “I did too.”

  
  
Reggie leans into Luke’s hand, now unsure what to do. “Oh.”

Luke giggles, grabbing the other side of Reggie’s face. It’s such a nice feeling he nearly melts. “Oh?”

“I- um… oh.”

  
  
“Can I then?” Luke asks earnestly, “It might make you feel better.”   


  
“What?”

“You’re so stupid.”    
  


And then he’s kissing him. It’s different than last time. One, because Luke’s nearly on top of Reggie, and holding his face like a lifeline, two, because now Reggie’s been wanting this for a while and Luke for god knows how long, so it’s desperate and open mouthed and Reggie doesn’t quite know what to do with his hands. A rather insistent swipe of Luke’s tongue has Reggie gripping onto Luke’s waist in bewilderment instead of bracing the both of them so in a flurry, Reggie’s back hits the ground with a  _ thump _ that would have surely knocked the breath out of him if he were still breathing as Luke collapses on top of him, laughing. “Sorry.” 

“No- I- _ I’m sorry _ .” 

  
Luke’s shoulders are still shaking in relieved laughter, cheek pressed up against Reggie’s collarbone, his fine hair tickling against his neck. Reggie’s arms circle Luke’s slender waist, still unsure if he’s allowed to be so close, still wondering if Luke is laughing because he’s happy or if he’s laughing because Reggie just made a fool of himself. 

“Don’t be, darling.” Luke mumbles against him, “Please.”   


  
_ Holy fuck.  _

Reggie’s face burns at the term of endearment but he doesn’t really have enough time to be embarrassed because Luke is already hovering above him again and Reggie is nodding and they crash together like two stars colliding, holding each other on the green grass. 

  
  
The people in the park walk through them, oblivious. The cats pointedly walk away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel bad for not really including Alex in this fic because he’s literally my FAV but...it didn’t really fit. Thanks my bros, for all of the PHENOMNAL support you guys gave me for this. Can’t love you enough <3
> 
> Drop a kudos and a comment to make my day better :)))

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading dudesss comment and kudos to make my week!


End file.
